10:11 p.m. - 2018-09-05
I'm so tired and confused about everything
Hi all. So I'm going to try and write just because it's supposed to help.
I'm so tired.
I feel overwhelmed. I'm signing up for counseling and domestic violence support as well as starting home schooling with my son and trying very hard to fill our days and hours and time, and care for the home and family and try and find some sort of career for myself. I can't find time for much.
I feel like a failure in everything and feel I am being judged all the time. I got asked what I had done with the last 20 years of my life and I had absolutely nothing worthwhile to say. Everybody values success by high flying career, massive financial gain etc but I really know truthfully that success is happiness, right here right now. But I can't live by that.. I can't. I am constantly looking for the fabulous new career, the easy and lucrative quick fix and how can I be famous or at least noticed by someone.
Does your life mean less if no-one witnesses it?
If I die tomorrow with a handful of people actually really in my life, does my life mean any less.
I want to make a difference, impact someone or something, just have one person affected by me, have people remember me.
Its never going to happen.
And I'm scared I'm going to lie on my death bed surrounded by nothing but regret and sadness and pure and utter frustration.
So sick of striving instead of just being.
And the labels..oh my god
I'm a single mum...the dregs of society
I'm a home schooling mum..an anarchist, tree hugging hippie
I'm on benefits...scum
I can't work cos I care for my mum and my son 💯 if the time.. absolute scrounger.
I have a degree... slightly redeeming
I trained to be a doctor..wow hidden wonders
I don't smoke, drink, do drugs... morally responsible
God what a mess.
How and when will I find some fulfilment in my life instead of constantly striving and searching for the perfect opportunity, career, life. I'm tired. My mind is just constantly on the go...new business? Volunteer? With the scouts? The prison service? Driver? Or I'll be a cleaner..fits with my hours? Or wait I'll go back to uni and study child psychology..? Wait they're looking for copywriters, can I do that? Wait I can be famous as an online vlogger....JUST STOP.. SOMEONE STOP ME!!!
I just want to wipe it clean and remove all expectations and disappointment from my past.
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